


I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

by not_alone_anymore



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: I have no idea how all of this works so bear with me while I learn, I'm really sorry about this..., M/M, Sad, Sad Louis, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, this looks horrible but the story is good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 05:26:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7346926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_alone_anymore/pseuds/not_alone_anymore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He brought his closed fist to his chest and placed it above his slowing heart. He looked at the sky one last time and swore he could see the exact color he had been wishing for. With a contented smile he closed his eyes and took a deep breath as his last so he could whisper one last word: “Harry”."</p><p>Or, the one where Harry loves Louis a lot and Louis loves Harry as well, he just doesn't love himself nor the life they're living.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work here, but you can find me in wattpad @IRochets  
> It was kinda inspired by A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera - Say Something so go listen to it while you read if you want to.  
> I hope you enjoy it and please, this is really important, if you feel triggered by the mention of self-harm and explicit self-hate do NOT read any further.  
> Thank you.

It all began a long time ago.  
Well, it wasn’t that much time ago, you see, they’ve only been dating since x factor and four years isn’t that much time, is it? The thing is, it feels like a lot of time.  
Time has a funny way of passing, they thought. X factor passed too quickly, throwing them into the future before they could even plan it correctly. One day they were on the show - happy and singing and kissing and listening to Liam complain about the PDA in their room -, the next they lost and thought that they’d never see each other again, break up and be unhappy forever, and the next they were saying “fuck it, we’ll go live together anyway, because love is all we need.” Once again their plan turned to shit because they became famous even though they lost, and instead of being in their flat together, they were on a tourbus more often than not with other three lads and a strict “no sex, blowjobs, handjobs or any promiscuous touches” rule. All in all they were alright because their dream was coming true and they could share it with each other and their three best friends.  
Those four years passed by like wind, or at least, the bigger part of them did. There were moments though when time seemed to stop, like it wanted to keep them there, forever stuck on what they were feeling in that moment.  
Harry didn’t mind it because time only seemed to stop on the moments he wanted it to. Like when Louis smiled, or Louis hugged him, or Louis made a joke, or Louis kissed him, or anything Louis. And on the time Louis and Harry were all alone on their bed late at night, time didn’t even exist.  
On the other hand, Louis did mind it sometimes. Not when he was with Harry, then time could go away and mind its own business, but when he wasn’t feeling worthy of, well… living he would like time to go on a little faster thank you very much. And that’s the thing about Louis Tomlinson that nobody knew. The rich, sassy and desired boybander was deadly insecure, and when I say deadly I mean it in the most literal sense of the word.  
At first not even Harry new. He was just a 16 year old boy after all, and Louis wanted to charm him, not scare him away. It’s not like Louis was depressed or suicidal, he just always had had a hard time looking at himself in the mirror and not trying to starve himself for the rest of the day after that.  
When he met Harry it got better, but maybe it was just because he barely looked at himself anymore, he just couldn’t take his eyes off of the curly haired boy. With time it got worse again, and it was not because Harry wasn’t as pleasant to look at as he used to, it was just because people weren’t being very nice to him in general. Since the x factor people had been saying that he was ugly, fat, gay and didn’t deserve being in the band. The gay stuff was the only one he had never thought about, but maybe it was true, maybe it was what thinking harry was pretty and dreaming of him naked meant. But in all honesty, Louis thought that loving Harry was the best thing he had ever done in his life, and not the most disgusting like people were saying all over his twitter.  
Sometimes he just pushed the comments away and looked for Harry so they could kiss and hold hands, but other times he just let himself get carried away, which always ended with him locked in a bathroom, just him, a puddle of his unworthy blood and a blade that always looked as if it was laughing at him.  
Time passed and nothing really changed for Louis, except that he had stopped cutting after the x factor finished, when Harry had noticed his cuts on their first time. Now everything was trapped in his mind. Unfortunately, Harry couldn’t take his mind away like he had done with his blades. Instead, he would kiss him and hold him while Louis told him his darkest thoughts, and in the end he would tell him he was beautiful and that he loved him no matter what.  
Sometimes Louis would ask Harry when he was going to get better, and his boyfriend would always answer “Soon. Just wait a bit longer” and Louis never found it in himself to doubt his words.  
\----/----  
With time, Louis insecurities stopped being the main problem. He could forget about them most of the time because he knew he was safe in Harry’s arms and those arms would never leave because, as his boyfriend used to say, “We are forever”.  
Even with all the insecurities in the world, there was one thing that Louis had never doubted, and it was Harry’s love for him. It was too obvious and sincere to ignore, and Louis might not understand it or think he deserved it, but he knew it was his nonetheless.  
So when harry was prohibited of hugging Louis or even being next to him in public, Louis positively broke. There were no arms anymore and he was lost.  
The night after that dreadful meeting, Louis cried like he hadn’t cried for ages and Harry held him and promised him his arms were forever his, as was the rest of his being. Then, when Louis was about to fall asleep in said arms he asked “When do you think they’ll let us come out Haz?” and Harry answered “Soon. Just wait a bit longer”.  
Louis accepted it, he would wait until the sun exploded for Harry. In his more rational moments though, Louis would think about how Harry’s word couldn’t be trusted in this matter because what he said was according to what he believed and beliefs don’t have any value for those who don’t control their own life. But even if Harry was lying without knowing, at least Louis knew he thought it was true and that gave him strength to believe it was true too.  
\----/----  
Soon enough, Harry started spending more time in LA than in London. Why? Well, at first it was because they made him, because they wanted people to think he was happy, had an individual life and friends outside of the band and that that life was far far away from where Louis was.  
That much time apart though, really didn’t work for them. But what could they do apart from fake smiling, crying themselves to sleep and pitying their situation? Not much.  
But that was meant to change. Harry was just having a walk on some deserted beach one day, thinking about how Louis’ eyes had the same color of those waves but not the same liberty, when he spotted a cute white house a few meters away from the water. He sat in front of the house, back facing the sea, and thought about a possible future lived in that house. He imagined himself watering their flowers while Louis sat in the porch with his aviators watching their children play by the sea. What a peaceful life that would be.  
Back to reality, he sighed and rose to his feet, starting to walk towards the house for no specific reason. As he got closer he started to see a sign that read “For Sale” and it felt as if destiny was calling for him, so he did what any other person would do in his place. He called his Louis.  
“Haz! Hi baby” said the high pitched voice from the other end of the line.  
“Hey babe, how are you?” answered Harry with an instant smile on his lips.  
“Good, good. Just a bit lonely but is everything alright?”  
“Yeah, off course, why wouldn’t it?” he asked slightly nervous that Louis could hear the expectation on his voice.  
“I don’t know. You usually don’t call until later. I’m just surprised” Louis said warily.  
“Well, I was just kind of walking and I was kind of wondering if you could come meet me in LA?” the poor green eyed boy asked hopefully.  
“If I could go there I already would have, love. You know they don’t let me” he answered, his voice sad.  
“I know, but I thought you could go to Doncaster or something and take a lot of pictures with your family and then you could come meet me and we’d slowly release the pictures through twitter and make them believe you’re just spending some time with your family.”  
“My God Harold, when have you become the smart one in this relationship?” Louis asked laughing. “That’s really good love. What made you think of that?”  
“Well, I kind of found you a special present and I can’t wait to give it to you so…” he answered looking at the house he hoped would become their home.  
“A present?” his boyfriend asked excitedly. “Why can’t you come back early and give it to me instead?”  
“Well, you see, the thing is I can’t really leave, I can’t take it to England” Harry answered trying not to give too much away.  
“Babe, have you bought me some kind of animal? Because I can assure you I was totally kidding that time I told you I wanted a giraffe” he joked with a laugh.  
“Something like that, only it’s dead but that’s not important. Can you come?”  
“Off course, if it’s so important to you I’ll do it. I’ll probably need some days though. Is that alright?”  
“Yeah babe, I know. It’s fine. You know I’ll always wait for you” Harry answered cheekily.  
“You’re so dumb, I swear to God” Louis said laughing.  
“Oh shut up” he said, laughing as hard as his boyfriend, “I have to go now, call me when you know something, okay?”  
“Okay babe. Bye, I love you” the blue eyed boy said with a kind of manly (fluffy) sing song voice.  
“Love you too, bye” Harry answered, putting is phone back in his pocket and staring as the house for other hour before standing up, prepared to make business.  
\----/----  
A week and a half later, Louis found himself sited in a car blindfolded, while Harry drove by his side. No matter what the younger boy said, he couldn’t convince his boyfriend that his present wasn’t the bloody giraffe. But he couldn’t blame him for thinking it was, they didn’t do that “blindfolding” thing all that much after all.  
When they arrived, Harry pulled over to the side of the house where they had a tiny parking lot with enough space for four cars and turned off the car. The house was already prepared for them with some of their favorite things he had shipped from their London flat, other things that he purchased there and the rest from what the house already had when he bought it. In the trunk of the car he had his and Louis’ bags that he had sneakily put there before they left the hotel while Louis was in the loo. Harry couldn’t wait to officially move in their new perfect house where he could live forever with the love of his life.  
“Harry?” asked Louis since his boyfriend hadn’t said anything since helping him get out of the car. Being blindfolded wasn’t funny.  
“Oh sorry Lou” said Harry suddenly awoken from his dreams by his boy’s voice. “Okay babe, just turn a bit to your right. Now don’t move, I’m going to take off the blindfold, yeah?”  
“Freaking finally. Come on Styles, hurry up, I’m curious” said Louis jumping on his feet with excitement.  
“Okay. Three, two, one… surprise!!!” Harry said as he took the scarf off his boyfriends face and waited for his reaction.  
Louis’ eyes were wide open and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. A beautiful beach house stood in all it’s magnificence in front of him, the lovely and sunny beach behind it only adding to the magic of it all.  
“Harry, what is this?” the tiny boy asked in a whisper.  
“Well, I was hoping it could be our home from now on, but only if you like it” he answered nervously. “I just thought it was the perfect place for us to spend our lives together. What do you think?”  
Louis just continued to look at the house, the words “home” and “lives together” wandering in his mind. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t breathe. In London they always had to be careful so no one found out they still lived together, but here no one could reach them, no one knew this little paradise existed. This was going to be a great home, he could feel it, could see all the reasons why Harry had thought so too. He would have his little garden like he always wanted, Harry would clean and cook and be lovely and their children would play happily in the sand. Louis couldn’t stop his tears anymore.  
“Harry?” Louis murmured.  
“Yes?” he answered frightened.  
“Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with me?” he asked looking at his boyfriend while tears ran down his face.  
“Of course I do darling, I always want to be with you. That’s what this house means, it’s a promise that we’ll always have a home to come back to where we can be together” Harry answered starting to cry as well.  
“I love you Haz, and I love our home. Thank you” Louis said, his voice breaking as he spoke and hugged his lover crying into his neck.  
“I love you too Lou” the green eyed boy answered, his heart full of joy and Louis.  
Later that night, while they were cuddling in their new couch in their new living room in their new home, Louis turned to Harry and asked “Love, when do you think we’ll be able to start our family here?” and Harry smiled and answered petting his boy’s hair “Soon. Just wait a bit longer”.  
\----/----  
Louis was unhappy, well… most of the time. He was happy when he was with Harry and he was happy when they were at their home, but how often was that?  
Things were getting worse, mostly in his mind, but still. He and Harry were in love and even more people had started to notice, at least, that what management had said when, once again, they told them they should be apart. Louis felt tired and insecure and Harry didn’t know because they barely had permission to spend time together or go MIA at the same time anymore, so he couldn’t help Louis like he usually would. The blue eyed boy was losing hope – not in Harry, but in himself. He doubted he would be strong enough to survive until the day they would be free if things went on this way. His self doubt made him wonder that maybe he didn’t deserve Harry after all, that maybe they weren’t supposed to be together in this life. Maybe Harry needed someone different, someone stronger, maybe this wasn’t their time, nor Louis’ time. Maybe it would be better if Louis just left and waited until he could be with Harry in some other life. That was the only thing he would never doubt: he and Harry would always find each other, they were soulmates.  
When Harry found him late one night in the living room of their London flat and asked why he was still up and looking into space, Louis answered that it was nothing instead of telling him about the thoughts that had been tormenting him. Harry didn’t believe him and decided to sit on the couch next to him and wait for some kind of explanation. After several minutes, Louis leaned on his shoulder and broke the silence between them asking “When will they stop doing this?” and Harry knew exactly what he was talking about. As usual he tried to be strong for his Louis and answered “Soon. Just wait a bit longer”, but this time instead of believing him, Louis wondered “How soon?”  
\----/----  
It went on like this for months and none of them could take it anymore. The thing is they had different ways of expressing their hurt and frustration: Harry would hate on their management and Louis would hate on himself.  
Louis changed. He didn’t have doubts anymore, which was sad. Now he was sure he couldn’t do it and he wished he could go back to just doubting, he didn’t like this feeling of having to leave Harry and disappoint him. He wondered what Harry would do when he was gone and hoped he could be forgiven.  
Louis felt empty, but emptiness is heavy and he was weak.  
He waited and tried to make Harry as happy as he could while he tried to gain courage to go on and leave the love of his life behind. He spent long hours thinking about where and how to do it but could only think of a way and a place where he would like his soul to rest, so that would have to do.  
They cuddled in their bed waiting for the time of their flight. They were going home for two weeks since they didn’t have to work. Management hadn’t liked the idea but Louis had insisted. He wouldn’t let them win this time, he would have those two weeks with his lover and they would be perfect. He had to do that if he wanted to leave, it was the least he could do for Harry. The green eyed boy was surprised to see his boyfriend fight against their management that way, but thought that it was just Louis finally breaking and reacting to their injustice. While they lay together that night Louis turned to Harry and said “I want to be free” and hoped that could be enough apology for what he was going to do.  
“Soon –“ Harry tried to say.  
“Shhh. Don’t say it. I love you, please…” Louis interrupted, he couldn’t hear that anymore. For a moment they just looked at each other and then they were kissing, none of them knowing exactly who had stared it but not caring at all. They were like they were supposed to be: together.  
\----/----  
The two weeks had passed, they were gone and soon so would be Louis.  
They were at home still: Harry going crazy over bags and how they would be late to their flight and Louis calmly looking out the window.  
“How can you be so calm? We’re so late Lou!” Harry said exasperated.  
“I’m not going anywhere” the blue eyed boy murmured quietly.  
“Can you at least help me with the bags before I freak out? We still have to put everything in the car” he asked not having heard what Louis said.  
“Would you mind doing it on your own while I go for a walk on the beach? I’m not feeling very well” the boy said and, well, it wasn’t a lie.  
“Are you okay baby? You need something?” his boyfriend asked walking up to him with worry in his beautiful green eyes.  
“No, it’s fine. Just need some air. And need to say goodbye” he answered not meeting his loved one’s eyes.  
“I know what you mean, I’ll miss this as well. I’ll miss being home with you and just everything” Harry said hugging his pretty boy in his arms, not noticing the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.  
“Yeah… But look,” Louis said, blue eyes meeting green with all their love and sincerity, “we are each other’s home and we will always go back to each other no matter what. We’re soulmates and soulmates are meant to be together for eternity. Even if in some life they can’t do it, they will do it in another one, they just have to find it. I will love you in all my lives Harry Styles: in the ones we’re together and in the ones we can’t be, in the ones we can make it and in the ones we’re not strong enough to wait. You’re mine and I’ll always come back to you. I love you so much” he finished, his hands in Harry’s cheeks and tears in his eyes.  
“I know love, I love you too. Why are you telling me all this now?” Harry murmured not being able to talk louder after hearing his lover pour his heart out like that.  
“I don’t know, I’m probably just feeling nostalgic. Don’t mind me” he answered with a soft laugh.  
“Okay. Well, I love you soulmate” they green eyed boyfriend said leaning down to kiss his boy’s lips softly with all the love he had for him.  
“Good, now go fetch our bags and take them to the car peasant” Louis commanded trying to act like his normal self when he felt he could talk again after ending the kiss.  
Harry smiled at him and patted his bum before leaving and disappearing at the top of the stairs, like Louis knew he would. Harry never questioned him, never thought about the possibility that Louis might be lying to him because why would he? They were each other’s confidents, they trusted each other completely. Louis felt bad for using Harry’s trust to his advantage, especially since he was using and betraying it to do something that would make Harry unhappy, but it was his only choice.  
He went to the bathroom downstairs and picked the bottle of pills he had hidden in the back of their cabinet, the letter he had written already sitting on his right pocket. He could hear Harry in their room fighting with some bag to get it closed. He walked to their porch, went down the few stairs and continued towards the shore.  
For a moment he just sat on the damp sand looking at the sunset. This was how he wanted to do it. He had had an amazing time those past two weeks so he at least would leave happy. The last thing he would remember would be Harry’s lips on his and how they moved around the words “I love you”. He wouldn’t have to suffer more and Harry could finally be free and live like he was supposed to. He would watch Harry throughout his life and wait for the day they’d be reunited again, ready to be born again and given another chance to be happy and do what they do best: love each other.  
Their life couldn’t go on like this, it wasn’t fair. All they did was love each other and Louis had to save that love. He had to save Harry and he had to save himself. He had to leave.  
With this though on his mind and the memory of Harry in his heart he opened the white bottle and watched as the pills filled his hand, swallowing them next. He did it again and again and again, until there were none left. Then he took the letter from his pocket, kissed it and held it with his last strength so it wouldn’t fly away with the wind. He laid down on the sand and looked at the sky - it had shades of pink and orange and purple and it was beautiful, but at the moment he just wanted the sky to be the shade of Harry’s eyes so he could see it one more time, not caring about how weird a green sky would be. The sky was meant to be blue, but he couldn’t help but hope it would give up its natural color for that emerald green he knew so well, just like he was giving himself up for Harry. It made sense to him: green always before blue.  
He brought his closed fist to his chest and placed it above his slowing heart. He looked at the sky one last time and swore he could see the exact color he had been wishing for. With a contented smile he closed his eyes and took a deep breath as his last so he could whisper one last word: “Harry”.  
\----/----  
Twenty minutes later, Harry finished putting the bags in the car’s trunk. He calmly rounded the house whistling, trying to see Louis in the distance so they could leave to the airport. The sun shined in the horizon surrounded by beautiful colors like it was supposed to, not too bright but shiny enough for him to see well.  
At first when he saw Louis’ silhouette laying in the sand he thought he was just appreciating the spectacle of different shades glowing above his head. He thought he was adorable. When he started calling him and he didn’t answer or move he just thought Louis was distracted or maybe asleep. Then he started to walk closer to him and saw him with his eyes closed laying there completely relaxed and thought he had definitely fallen asleep. And then he knelled next to him and just thought he was beautiful.  
“Lou?” he called. “Come on baby, we have to leave” he said but the answer he was expecting didn’t come, not even a stir. “Lou?” he waited. “Love? Can you hear me?” and waited again, longer this time. “Louis?” and waited one more time. Nothing.  
He tried touching Louis’s hand, the one that he was holding against his chest, and nothing in the world could hurt as much as that touch. His hand was cold, his chest unmoving with no trace of the beating of his heart. He tried looking at the rest of his body searching for something that would tell him Louis was okay, and then he saw it. He picked up the apparently inoffensive bottle and his heart stuttered as he peeked inside and found it empty.  
He couldn’t believe it. That bottle couldn’t have taken his love away, it just couldn’t.  
He dropped it on the sand like it was burning him and picked is phone to call an ambulance as tears of acid started falling down his cheeks. At least he thought they were made of acid, normal tears shouldn’t hurt like that. He looked at Louis’ peaceful face as he talked with the emergency woman – he was smiling, fucking smiling, and Harry couldn’t understand how he could look so happy when he himself was hurting so much.  
He dropped his phone back in his pocket after the call ended and pulled Louis into his lap trying to keep him warm and there. Little did he know that both were impossible. He grabbed his hand and tried to hold it, but as he was opening it a piece of paper fell on Louis’ lap and he could only close his eyes trying to suppress the pain as an ugly sob found its way out of his throat. He picked the folded paper and put it in his pocket next to his phone. He didn’t want to read it. He wanted Louis to wake up and read it to him, or just say the words written there that he probably knew by heart.  
“It’s okay baby, you’ll be okay. I’m just crying because I’m a bit scared but everything will be fine. You’ll get better and we’ll take some more time off and stay here, sounds good? I know you love our home” he rambled trying to distract himself until the ambulance arrived, not daring to think about what could go wrong or what already had. “We’ll stay here and I’ll look after you and I’ll kiss you a lot and tell you I love you more than I already do. Then at night we’ll go to sleep and I’ll tell you everything I love about you, and every day I’ll have knew things to tell you about” he continued through his tears. “And you know what? Fuck it! When we get back to London I’ll talk to the boys and we’ll talk to management together and we’ll come out. I promise darling, I’ll do anything. We’ll be free Lou, just stay with me and I’ll do the rest. Just please stay” he sobbed feeling suffocated and hopeless.  
He stayed there rocking Louis’s body on his lap until the ambulance came. Harry couldn’t see clearly through his tears, his mind was clouded and his heart was either beating too fast or too slow. Before he knew, his Louis, his baby, laid stretched in front of him already on the ambulance surrounded by two paramedics: one trying to get air into his lungs and other performing the CPR. Soon enough they just stopped and Harry could only look at them wondering why they had stopped if Louis was still unconscious.  
“Why did you stop?” he asked, desperation attached to his voice.  
“There’s nothing we can do sir” the CPR paramedic said with a solemn look. “His heart had already stopped when we got here. We tried resuscitating him but there is no response. I’m sorry, but it was too late.”  
Harry just sat there. He could see them pulling a white sheet on Louis covering his face, but he could not move. His Louis hadn’t even been given the chance to get to the hospital. He was dead when Harry found him, was dead while Harry held him and was dead now. Everything was lost. Life wasn’t fair.  
Everything was blurry and time didn’t seem to be passing the way it should. Before he had time to process not even a half of it, they were at the hospital – Louis being taken away from him in a stretcher and nurses holding him by his arms as he tried to get away and run after Louis. It all ended with Louis somewhere in the hospital where they kept dead people and Harry having a pretty bad panic attack and being put to sleep by a nurse when it started getting too bad.  
When he woke up again, it was to Liam’s face carefully looking at him.  
“Hey mate. How are you feeling?” he asked quietly.  
“Confused” he said, feeling his mind foggy and with no remembrance of why or how he had ended up there. “Why are you here? Are the other boys here as well?”  
“Yeah, they… they’re seeing Louis.” He answered, trying to take Harry’s mind of the other question.  
“Louis?” he asked confused, something weird tugging at his heart. “Something happened to Louis, yes. I don’t know what though, can’t remember.” He continued, frustrated out of his mind. “They must have drugged me well, Christ!”  
“Listen Harry, this is important. I’ve talked to the doctor and he said this would happen, that it’s normal and that I could explain things to you, but you have to stay calm, okay?” Liam pleaded, seriously starting to feel the pain that came with the words he would have to say, but staying strong for his friend.  
“Okay” Harry asked, feeling small and scared of what he didn’t remember. There must have been a reason why his brain thought it would be a good idea to forget it.  
“Louis is… he… you found him unconscious in the beach in front of your house and called an ambulance. They brought you here, but you panicked when they took Lou away and they had to put you down. You’ve been asleep for fourteen hours and during that time the hospital called me because I’m on your emergency contacts and I called the other boys and the three of us came here. They only told us what had happened when we got here and that was about just two/three hours ago” he explained.  
“But what about Louis? And where are the other boys? You said they were seeing him” he asked, desperate to ignore some of the memories that were starting to come back. They couldn’t be real.  
“He… he’s dead. He already was when the paramedics arrived and the only thing they could do was bring you two here. Louis is dead, Harry. He overdosed. I went to see him as soon as they told us, had to see him so I could believe it. Zayn and Niall only felt ready to go a while ago and there’s where they are, they’re with Louis’ body on the other side of the hospital” he paused, breathing for a moment with his eyes closed so he could concentrate on not crying. “I’m sorry.”  
“He´s dead. I know, I found him. I remember” he whispered, the fragments of his heart breaking into tinnier pieces.  
“You don’t have to worry okay? We’ve got a lawyer and he’s taking care of the papers we need to send Louis back to England so we can bury him. You don’t have to think about it” Liam said, trying to make things easier, even though they never would be.  
“He died” the broken boy continued to whisper.  
“Listen Harry, we know it’s hard – God, we’re feeling it too! – but you have to trust us. We’re here for you and you have to let us help you” Liam tried to tell him desperately.  
“Louis is dead… My baby’s gone Liam!” Harry cried, torn apart by everything that had happen, everything he couldn’t understand.  
“Calm down Harry, I’m here, just breath. Please Harry, just please…” Liam pleaded helpless.  
“My Lou, Liam. My love…” Harry murmured as he started to drift away.  
The last thing he saw was Liam finally starting to cry looking impossibly broken.  
\----/----  
When he woke up again he could remember everything.  
His three best friends were in the room with him. They looked exhausted and miserable and he thought about how much support they needed too and how much he couldn’t give it to them.  
“Hey” Harry greeted trying to sound at least a little bit alive. Seeing the pained look the lads gave him, he didn’t succeed very well.  
“How are you feeling mate?” Zayn asked getting a little bit closer to him. Liam stayed sited on a chair on the other side of the room like he couldn’t move anymore and Niall just stayed quiet looking out of the window, supporting his weight on the wall. None of his friends should ever have to look that bad.  
“Is he still dead?” he asked, because that’s a very important fact for him to know if he’s alright or not. Although, he might have asked a little bit out of hope as well.  
“Yes” Zayn answered looking like the confirmation just burned him. Everyone in the room looked burnt.  
“Oh, I just thought…” Harry tried to explain.  
“We know… it’s alright. I thought that too, had to go see him twice to be sure…” his friend answered with a little humorless laugh that sounded like he was being choked.  
“I’m sorry I didn’t…” Harry began to say, just to be interrupted by Niall who finally stopped looking to whatever was outside.  
“Shut up. Don’t you dare blame yourself Styles, or I swear to God I will dump all my last few hours snot on you and then shave your hair” he threatened.  
“Lou liked my hair” he whispered with his head hanging low.  
With this, Niall just ran to him and hugged him, starting to cry right after. Harry hugged him back and let the tears fall as well, God knew there were a lot of them. Zayn and Liam cried on their own while looking at them. Maybe this was what they needed, maybe they would find a way of coping together.  
\----/----  
It was only on the day after Louis funeral – when he already was buried deep into the ground and Harry’s faith was long gone – that he touched the letter again.  
That day had been excruciatingly painful, as all the days Harry had had to live since Louis’ death. That particular day though, held an edge that the others didn’t. Until then, Harry had been able to hide in is stupid faith that Louis would come back on the moments when everything felt extra hard and he didn’t feel like he could live anymore. Now he didn’t have that option – Louis was dead and buried several feet under the ground, there was no way he could come back now after so many days had passed.  
The poor boy was just unpacking his bags, having just arrived back at his home in LA – he was sure it was there Louis would like him to stay, it was their home after all. While he was sorting through his pants he came across the ones he had worn That Day. Suddenly, he remembered the letter addressed to him that was still inside the right pocket, the letter that was now the closest to Louis that he could get.  
Gently, he took the letter out of the pocket, walked to the porch downstairs and sat on the stairs facing the beach deciding he could unpack later. He tried to calm himself taking a deep breath and willed himself not to cry so he could read the last words Louis has written to him. After looking at the piece of paper for long minutes, he unfolded it.  
“Dear Harry,  
I love you… just thought I might remind you before I get started. Do not dare think that I didn’t love you enough because of what I did. I did love you enough to last us forever, I just didn’t particularly love myself nor the life we were living. Just wanted to get this out of the way: you’re the one that I love, but I still had to say goodbye.  
I think first of all I should tell you why I did it. Don’t worry, it was not your fault. The only thing you did since we met was love me the way I needed and keep me in the world. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have made it that far. However, that wasn’t enough anymore since I recently discovered that you’ll be better off without me, at least in that life. I wasn’t fitting for that world anymore Haz, so I thought it would be better to leave now and find you again later rather than make you suffer with me.  
I’m not going to say I’m sorry for doing it because that would mean I regret it and I probably don’t. I’m sorry for hurting you though, that was something I never wanted to do.  
I had this little speech prepared about how much I love you and how we’re soul mates, just because I didn’t want to leave anything unsaid. Since you’re reading this, I probably already said it so you know what I’m talking about. Do know that I meant every single word of it.  
I killed myself here at sunset because I didn’t want you to think sad thoughts inside our home and because, when your life calms down and you move here permanently, you can come down to the beach like we used to and I will still be able to do it with you.  
I know you’re sad, broken even, but please try to move on. I’m not telling you to get over me because I know that if I was in your place I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m just asking you to continue living. Make sure you do what feels right for you. If at some point it feels right to fall in love with someone else, you can do it, I won’t be mad. If it never feels right then don’t force yourself to do it; I know it will be hard, we belong to each other after all.  
Whatever you do, don’t forget I love you with all my heart, soul and body. (Please tell my family and the boys I love them as well. Tell them I’m sorry I had to leave.) I’ll look after you until the day when you’ll be ready to meet me. I’ll be proud of you no matter what you do and I’ll never let you go. We’re forever baby.  
You’re still probably wondering if we’ll ever be together again, even after everything I said. So I must assure you: don’t worry my love, we will be. Soon. Just wait a bit longer.  
Love always,  
Your Louis”  
Harry’s tears were falling on the sheet without him noticing until that moment, his sobs muffled by his left hand and his breaths coming either too fast or too slow. His heart was breaking pretty much like it had when he had woken up next to Liam and his friend had told him the love of his life was indeed dead, but at the same time some tiny little pieces were being put together by the soft words Louis had left him.  
The mere thought of finding Louis in some kind of afterlife or even spending eternity with him through the different lives they would spend together comforted him. Knowing that Louis did love him and was waiting for him gave him some strength back – it was fragile, but it was something.  
So he would give himself some months to just be alone and cry and feel miserable because he deserved it – he did lose his soulmate for the rest of that life, mind you, - then he would go back to work and write music, maybe sing it, and do what he does best – which is write sickeningly loved up songs about Louis, and maybe even some fun ones, - then probably adopt a kid so he could have something like the family they always wanted and someone to raise on that big house, (also because the thought of ever being with someone other than Louis was just ‘NO, THANK YOU’) and yeah… A good full life with his kid and his friends and his songs sounded like a pretty nice plan.  
Then one day, on his death bed, he would be just happy about everything that he had done. He would also do some happy dance in his mind because he had done everything he could so Louis would be proud of what he had achieved and, obviously, because he would see Louis again. And after the happy dance, he would concentrate on his breathing, so his last one would be extra long and he could mutter his last word proudly: “Louis”.


End file.
